Mix

I’m not sure how to say right now. I think I’ve been in the most awkward situation ever today. My heart aches for that person and I will never be able to understand his hurt, but part of me feels it for him and I wish I wasn’t able to relate to people so well. I don’t think I’ve ever been this emotional for a while.

On an angry note, I’ve realized I can be such a bitch. I swear, he manages to turn on my bitch switch every single time he says/does something. I don’t care how little it is, he totally turns that bitch switch on! I give up my attempt to not cuss until band season is over because I swear I will cuss so much. >:|

7th period in the library today was actually very amusing. Probably the most fun in a while. The basketball boys are so funny, no lie. It’s kind of obnoxious, but it was a bunch of good laughter. :)

Today was just such a bittersweet day. More bitter than sweet, or maybe it’s just all the same.

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I really have learned a lot

I know I’ve been saying that a lot, but I think I really am. Good and bad, I think I’ve dealt with a handful of each. To be honest, despite the fact that I may hate the person’s guts, I’m quite thankful for having them put me through a crappy time. It sounds weird, but I think I’d have rather known how all those negative feelings are like now than later on in life when it would matter more. So thanks for all the crap you’ve taught me whether you see it that way or not, that’s how I see it because that’s how I’ve been convinced to see it through actions and words.

Inevitably, people change and I think I have gone through a pretty big one in the past few months. Good or bad, I can’t really tell yet, but you tell me. But are people’s opinions supposed to really matter? I’m pretty conflicted over that. I feel the need to consider people’s feelings all the time, but in the end, how much is that supposed to matter? I think you should care about how people feel, but you’re also supposed to be doing things to benefit yourself and those two don’t always work well and it causes conflict. So how are you supposed to know what to do? It’s like either way, you’re going to screw something over. Anyway, I don’t see a point in this rambling anymore because it’s going absolutely nowhere and absolutely making no sense whatsoever. But bottom line, I’ve changed and I know it. I kind of like how I’m feeling lately so that’s good I suppose. It’s still missing something, but I can’t quite figure out what it is. But whatever it is, I can obviously still be pretty happy without it.

I got nominated for Girls State and because of that, I’ve realized how little I’ve done. I think this should be a motivation for me to use my free time more wisely for something actually productive. So far, I have something similar to a resume and it looks absolutely pathetic from the lack of activity I’ve been involved in. I wouldn’t be surprised if I didn’t get it, but I hope some miracle happens that I do.

My dreams kind of scare me sometimes. It’s bad enough to dream of somebody getting killed, but then to feel utterly unemotional to that makes me feel terrible. Oh well, either they deserve it or karma is getting back to me later.

:)

Today was a pretty good day. Lunch ruined it a little, but I ended up feeling a lot better. Like color rally practice was just really fun. I didn’t care if it was just 15 of us dancing, it was just freaken fun and good. I wanted to never stop doing it, seriously. This simplicity is making everything better and people have made things easier for me.

Looking back, some things I’ve done were absolutely stupid. I wish I hadn’t done some of the things that I did, but it’s too late to take it all back now. It was a mistake without a doubt. Too bad I can’t do anything about it anymore.

If things don’t matter anymore, then I won’t care anymore. If it mattered, I would have seen something different, not everything that I have seen so far because all of that totally screams “I don’t freaken care.” I’m way better than this and I can do better without any of this.

And again, I’ll never be able thank certain people enough for the complete support they have given me. I feel the love! :)

A lesson learned

After seeing things from another perspective, I see this as a lesson learned. I won’t say that I’m happy that I had to learn it, but I’m thankful that I did and now I just understand.

From this, I have really learned that feelings really dictate how you feel, but you just have to move past that and do what you want to do and what you should do. I really learned that if you base your every motive on how you feel at the moment, then you’re really in for a roller coaster ride. Your actions would change so constantly. Now I realize that feelings really are inconsistent. I’ve always known that, but now I understand that to another extent. This really reminds me of my first “Seven Levels of Intimacy” post.

I actually learned a lot more, but I’m not sure how to put everything into words so that it’d seem understandable. But my belief is that if things can undergo the test of time and still come out unchanged and undamaged, then it has been worth all the time. Not saying that everything that comes out changed isn’t worth it because you could very well get a lot out of what has happened.

But to be completely honest, I’m not sure exactly how I feel. For once I’m in a complete loss for words that describe my emotions and feelings. I would just say that I’m blank and I mean that quite literally. Thinking that the glass is always half empty has its perks sometimes.

Okay this didn’t turn out half as good as the one I wrote last night. I decided to delete that draft though. It didn’t feel right after a while though it really was purely my thoughts and feelings pouring out onto the screen.

Outlook

I started writing this blog some time in the summer after hours of free time and now I thought about more things and I felt motivated to finish writing this. So some of this is from the summer, but it has been edited, more has been added on from whatever I had and I deleted some things as well. Excuse my writing for it lacks eloquence of any sort and my thoughts that are never organized.
- – -
My thought on relationship, whether you are friends or lovers, is that if you say you love and care about a person as much as you say you do, then you would not want to do things that would hurt them in any way, shape, or form. Especially if you know something would hurt them, you just would not do it for the sake of their feelings. If you ever think about doing something that you think is questionable, think twice about it. Put yourself in their position and imagine that they did what you are about to do and just try thinking with their mindset and see how they would feel. Chances are, if you are hurt, the other person will end up hurt as well. If you really do care about a person as much as you say you do, you would think twice about those questionable things and the second time around in your thinking, you would decide not to do it. With all honesty, it is truly not easy to do that, but I think if you cared enough about a person, you would be able to put a really good effort in doing so and that is really all that matters in the end. Being hurt is inevitable, but I really think a lot less tears would be shed and a lot less jabs in the heart would be made if people really took the effort in thinking how the other person would feel as a result from your own actions.

Honestly, just saying things can only get you so far, but showing it through actions get you a lot farther. You can say as much crap as you want and swear that whatever comes out of your mouth is true, but credibility will only take you to a certain point and then you need your actions to pull you through. Really, I believe all you need are simple acts of kindness. You do not need to give another person the world because it is virtually impossible to completely please one person. For me, the little things do a lot and I am sure it goes the same for a lot of people.

Words hurt, so think twice before you say some of the things that you are about to say. As much as you wish you can take back the words that you have said, you cannot take them back the moment your vocal cords vibrate and you let those words gush out of your mouth. After those words are spoken and you realize that you should probably have not said them, you can beg for apology and you may be forgiven, but the words are always going to somehow hurt; that is something I am absolutely sure of.

Apologies can only work for a certain amount of time. After consecutive amounts of apologizing with no change, people are going to start to wonder if you really mean all the apologies that you make and if you really know why you are apologizing. Eventually the words “I’m sorry” becomes so redundant and meaningless. I think saying “I’m sorry” means you understand what you did wrong and making an attempt at not making that same mistake again because you are just an idiot if you do not learn from your mistakes. Life is not long enough for you to live on with mistakes after mistakes. So hey, make your apologies mean it and know when to apologize.

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Time

I have never truly believed that time has the capability of changing things dramatically. I always tell people that and I hear about it, but I’ve never really actually understood it. It’s strange because I’m so capable of understanding people without really having gone through any of those experiences/concepts myself. Ugh, that makes no sense, but I guess if you know me well enough, you’ll pick up on it. Anyway, time; it makes things change way too dramatically.

The end of the summer is nearing and I can hardly say that I feel the same way about things like I did before the summer started. Everything that seemed to have fallen into place is suddenly misplaced. But is it really misplaced or am I finally in realization? I can hardly differentiate. But it’s so awkward how some things can still pass through the test of time and still remain so complete; and it’s not just months I’m referring to, I’m talking about years.

I give up on this, I lost my chain of thoughts. I’ll pick up on it another day if I feel like it.

Some ramblings

Before I start the actual post: what the heck, I got 1000 more hits in 5 days. Grand total of 6,010.

So I decided that I would go to bed at 12 today, but obviously I’m not in bed since it’s 1am right now. Instead of sleeping, I decided that I would read the letters that I got from Raymond for various occasions. I read them and I must say that I started getting teary-eyed after reading the last letter he wrote before the end of the year; just like how I got when I first read it. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to read that without feeling a bit sad on the inside, it just kind of touches me. Then I came across this other letter from somebody else and I felt closure; exactly how I feel whenever I read that. It was a good feeling and it kind of showed how much I never really let go of anything as much as I say I do.

I proceeded to reading this old journal that I decided to keep around 2004-2005 along with a stack of post-its stuck in there that I wrote out of pure anger and from my hormones taking over. I looked over some entries and I thought to myself: what was I thinking at that time?! Those entries were filled with shallow thoughts and immature logic and pointless ranting about things I now regret ranting about it; so personal and embarrassing that I would never dare to let it see light. Nor will I tell anyone in detail what any of this post is about, so have fun figuring out this cryptic post. :)

Anyway, I read more of the journal and I tried so hard to think back to the day that I wrote it to see if I could remember it. But I couldn’t. All that I would remember was that everything I wrote back then seemed so normal and right at that time. It only seems immature and mediocre now because I’ve obviously changed so much since then. I slowly began to think: I’m looking back at myself a few years ago and I’m thinking that I was so ridiculous, how will I think of myself now in a few years? I already knew the answer: immature and ridiculous. I know I’ll look back at these WordPress posts about Twilight/Robert Pattinson and I’ll think how could I possibly have wasted all my time on this when I could have used all the time to do something actually productive that could have made my life easier.

In a few years, I’ll look back at now and I’ll realize how stupid I am acting and think that I’m doing things “right” then. But what’s going to happen? A few years after that I’ll think I was being stupid then too. The cycle just never seems to please and truly, will I ever be content at how I was with point when I look back at it? I’m so focused on making my mindset into what I want to forever define as “right” so I’ll reach the standards that I put up in the next few years. But that is utterly impossible to do, I’ve been trying all this time.

I’m so into working with Photoshop now, but looking back at the beginning of the road, the things that I made weren’t amazing at all but I seemed to be content with it then because I didn’t think I would be able to get better. But now I’m slowly getting better and looking back at those graphics like it was nightmare. I admit that I’m still not the best right now, but I’m trying so hard to make the things that I’m creating in the present turn into something I look back on in a few years and think “this was actually good.” It’s so frustrating to do that though; it means closing the finished product without saving the time I put into that work just because it’s something that I think won’t last through the test of time.

Well I think the bottom line is that I’m just constantly trying to please the person that I will become, but it’s way harder than anybody would expect. I think I’m done talking about that for now. Next.

Reading back on the entries, it made me think: how do you know that you’ve truly let something/someone go? I would really like to know. That’s actually something that I can’t stir up an answer for. This whole time I’ve been letting myself think that I’ve put so many things behind, but have I truly? Have you truly let something go when thinking back on it you still remember exactly every emotion that flushed through your body at that time and realize how much it meant to you then and how much it means to you now is exactly the same but only with some different priorities? I’ve managed to think that I have put all of that behind me, but I don’t think so. Scars just don’t go away; and that was like a scar. I think I’ll always be attached to what meant the most to me first, but is that attachment really more than what I have now? Is what I have now really what I want or is it just a replacement for the attachment that I’ll never really have again?

I’ve made so many mistakes these past few years and truly I wouldn’t consider them mistakes right now because it hasn’t hurt me yet. But I just know that later down the road I’ll be blaming myself for making all these mistakes. I’ll call myself a wreck and I’ll want to go back in time and change everything. But will changing things bring an even worse outcome than what I have? It’s interesting to kind of think about how things will be different if you just changed one little thing about the past. Honestly, I’d be interested in seeing what I’ll become of myself if I hadn’t done the things that I will soon regret. It’s something worth pondering.

After all this, I think I’m really beginning to settle in on being a psychologist. I’ll be like the next Dr. Sweets from Bones with all those cool degrees that I’m truly impressed with. I mean seriously, personality psychology and abnormal psychology sounds pretty cool. Just saying. Being psychiatrist wouldn’t hurt either. This makes me think about what I want to do after high school. >:| Well most likely going to do Pre-med and then branch off into whatever I want: actual doctor of some sort of psychiatrist/psychologist; even though I don’t need a MD to be a psychologist. I still have time to decide.

So have I completely wasted your time reading all that? Any thoughts to add on?