Protected: Finally, some hatred.

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

A lesson learned

After seeing things from another perspective, I see this as a lesson learned. I won’t say that I’m happy that I had to learn it, but I’m thankful that I did and now I just understand.

From this, I have really learned that feelings really dictate how you feel, but you just have to move past that and do what you want to do and what you should do. I really learned that if you base your every motive on how you feel at the moment, then you’re really in for a roller coaster ride. Your actions would change so constantly. Now I realize that feelings really are inconsistent. I’ve always known that, but now I understand that to another extent. This really reminds me of my first “Seven Levels of Intimacy” post.

I actually learned a lot more, but I’m not sure how to put everything into words so that it’d seem understandable. But my belief is that if things can undergo the test of time and still come out unchanged and undamaged, then it has been worth all the time. Not saying that everything that comes out changed isn’t worth it because you could very well get a lot out of what has happened.

But to be completely honest, I’m not sure exactly how I feel. For once I’m in a complete loss for words that describe my emotions and feelings. I would just say that I’m blank and I mean that quite literally. Thinking that the glass is always half empty has its perks sometimes.

Okay this didn’t turn out half as good as the one I wrote last night. I decided to delete that draft though. It didn’t feel right after a while though it really was purely my thoughts and feelings pouring out onto the screen.

Life Update

I don’t know what to tell you except for the fact that life is going so well right now or at least better than it has. First off, I’d like to say that I’m so happy with my 8/10 on the biology essay and my 30/42 for multiple choice. I hadn’t done so well on the previous 2 tests so I’m just really happy with that right now; that’s like a B/C without the curve already! :D Then I got a B on my history test, so that should bring my grade up! All these things are just making me so happy.

But today I was pretty pissed off during math because of the two idiots that sit in front of me, I swear. I’m just so pissed off at the fact that I spent 3 hours on a math assignment to understand it and get a 10 while they don’t even understand it and still deserve a 10 by means of cheating. UGH. And duh I went to complain to the teacher.

But no, this weekend was pretty nice with the exception to the bad getting 2nd place in BOA and the first bus leaving us and not coming back until after the finals. I was so disappointed that the be we lost to was literally less than half our size, it’s absolutely ridiculous. But I don’t think we did that bad actually. Anyway, yeah I wasn’t happy about that. I’ll remember Saturday for a very long time though. :) Oh and the Blue Man Group was absolutely amazing! I loved it so much, probably one of the best parts about Vegas.

I really began to think about some things that have been going on. I’m starting to doubt how some people feel, but at the same time I’m so sure about their feelings. Truly I believe that there’s a difference from the past to now and it’s a good thing; it’s what I wanted. I still think that I’m doing something completely wrong, but I’m kind of dealing with it and I think I got the closure and acceptance that I’ve wanted the most even though it doesn’t feel as genuine as I wanted it to be. I’m on such an emotional rollercoaster right now and I’m not sure how to feel because it’s kind of overwhelming. I’m not sure where I stand and I kind of still wonder about what would have happened if a different course of action was taken. But I’m starting to give up on that because I’ve realized that I don’t have enough time to think about that.

Okay I’m just rambling. I just want things to end right and well in the end.

But I really think that after a week or so, some people will walk back on their words and just lose it; it’s not the first time. Let’s put this hypothesis to test.

I realized that I’ve grown pretty far apart from a lot of people and I’m okay with that because at the same time I’m getting pretty close to the people in my class and those are the people that I’ll be seeing all the time next year. It kind of sucks how things are so different, but I think things right now are perfectly fine, I mean I’m really actually okay with it all and I don’t feel the need to turn back time and change things. People just aren’t who I think they are and I’m just not the same and I’m honestly fine with that.

Obligations

Am I really obligated to do all of the things I think I’m obligated to do? I truly believe that it’s an obligation for me to care, but I really don’t want to anymore. Primarily because the things that happened goes against all my morals and values and that person knows it. This makes me wonder if this would have happened if things aren’t the way they are right now. Would things not have been done if that person still cared about me as much as they claim to not do things that are against my morals and values? It’s something worth pondering and my respect for that person isn’t going down as much as I thought, but I truly am disappointed in their actions. I really thought they were better than that despite everything that’s telling me otherwise. I’ve ignored so much of those signs before, it wouldn’t hurt to ignore more, would it? I felt that I was obligated to justify my actions, but am I obligated to care under any circumstances?

I have also slowly come to a realization that I’m very sensitive to the emotions of certain people more than others. It’s pretty hard to describe, but it’s like being connected to a person in a sixth sense or something. I know I sound pretty ridiculous at the moment; just get over it.

Realization

You really don’t know what you have until it’s not with you anymore. Am I getting over it? Soon enough. Forgetting? Never ever.

One day this week, I will write some epic long post. The side of me that procrastinates says soon enough.

I kind of suck at life sometimes, did you know that?

:D

There are some things that make me really happy and one of those things is just simply having a conversation with somebody and knowing that you’re both enjoying it. It doesn’t even matter what we talked about, just the fact that it occurred already gives me satisfaction for the day. I really like this kind of happiness. :)

I conclude that you never forget who made you smile the most or who understood you the quickest.

Realization #2

I have realized how much I have overlooked in a person that I thought to have such great friendship. Apparently I missed a lot more about them than I had thought. They’re not who I thought of them to be and the person they are around other people are far off than what I had expected. I expected such greatness out of them, but it only got turned down. I truly have to say they’re just another one of those people.

Today has been a harsh day.

realization 01.

The moment I felt so upset thinking that wrong conclusions were being jumped to, I realized how much it mattered to me. That moment really made me realize how some things are just for pleasure and some things are just worth so much more than that.