It gets real.

I get real because life gets real. I have no sympathy for your “problems” because ‘I told you so’. Nobody babied me through my first year of college so I’m not going to baby you. Man it up and get your act together. You’ve only contacted me when you needed something from me and when you ask for favors, it has to work in accordance to your time. Honey, that’s not going to fly. I have a life too and just because you may have more going on than me, it doesn’t mean I will bend over backwards for you. I bend over backward for nobody and  you’re no exception no matter how long I’ve known you. You are nowhere near the top of my priorities, so take a closer look at what you’re getting yourself into and stop expecting more.

No fucks given to anybody, especially you. Get real.

2:54am

As I lay in bed trying to get some rest for my 8am, I find myself unable to sleep. My mind is left wandering, “What happened?” I’m not sure what exactly prompted me to such thoughts.. maybe because when I try to think about plausible future events in my head, I’m left clueless? Clueless about who to count on or who is going to be there through every step. Just so clueless. When I was scoping through the every content of my phone, I had forgotten that there’s a ‘Saved Messages’ folder, so of course I opened it. I found so many inside jokes from late last year; it was amazing looking back at them. Some made me burst out in laughter on the inside and I found a smile creeping on my face every once in a while. But the smile that crept on my face quickly turned upside-down. Why? Because I can remember my initial feelings of looking back at those texts and because of that, I’ve realized how much has changed and how much it actually upsets me even though it doesn’t cross my mind quite as frequently anymore.

Honestly, I’m just a little bummed. Bummed because I don’t know what happened or what changed necessarily. Maybe I do, but I don’t see it as a reason for such drastic change.

While being bummed, I am able to look back at these past few days and feel utter contentment. Content that things have been so carefree and having fun with no judgement passed.

So maybe everything is alright after all and I’ll find it in myself to sleep soon. Need to wake up in about 3.5 hours!

A Lot

A lot of free time. A lot of basketball. A lot of food. A lot of rushees. A lot of good company. A lot of getting work done. A lot of time for sleeping.

This would all be great if I wasn’t sick.

Week 1 of Winter 2012

It’s been quite different getting back on track coming back from a one-month long winter break. Morning classes every day, either 8am or 9am so no sleeping in! But on the bright side, I’m done with classes extremely early so I have the whole afternoon free.

In one week, I’ve decided to drop a math class (real analysis). Actually, I went to one lecture and I decided that I was going to drop it the moment I came back to my apartment. Now I’m only taking 3 classes and I feel like such a lazy, unproductive bum. I’m home all day while others are out in class. I feel like I should be taking more classes or doing more with my days. Maybe I’ll have a better chance of landing a job now that I have such a clear schedule.

It’s rush week and I’ve met a few rushees at events. I’m so excited for the winter pledge class and my future (possibly) little that I’ll pick up this quarter. Ahhh we’ll see how that goes and if I’ll get a little to pick up.

NBA season… great. Watched every Chicago game and I must say they’re doing pretty well, with the exception of some off days that makes me yell at the tv/my computer screen. But the point is, as of today, they’re first in the eastern conference and Miami is on a losing streak (3). I’ve spent way too much time on nba.com these past few weeks, but it’s a good distraction from everything else, except when homework needs to be done. Streaming a game while attempting homework has probably been one of the dumbest ideas I’ve ever had my entire life. Why did I even think I’d be able to get any work done?

a lot of rambling.

It’s not that two people are incapable of loving one another, but that one person usually chooses to give up. They decide that it’s not worth the fight, or that it’s too hard and giving up is just simply easier. Sometimes, maybe it’s just not meant to be. Maybe that indestructible bond that you thought you two had was just meant for a really good friendship and thinking that it was supposed to be more only ruined it. And sometimes when you miss somebody, they don’t necessarily miss you, but you learn that it’s okay and you move on. Sometimes, you just feel that you’ve wasted too much time and effort on something that wasn’t there, but you’re never going to get that time you wasted back.

Sometimes, you don’t have all the right words to put how you feel into words. It’s 2:30am, I can hardly sleep, but I can hardly figure out what’s on my mind to write about it and maybe that’s why I haven’t written anything. I just don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know who to talk to when I need somebody to listen because I don’t know who would listen. I don’t even need that person to understand, just listen and offer comfort. To be a friend.

Friend, where are you?

I want to be here, this time of the year with someone special.

It’s a red, black, and white Christmas

I was so excited when this happen. A minute before this, I thought the Lakers had the win in the bag, but then Derrick Rose pulled something I never thought possible. He’s such a beast.

This just made the Chicago Bulls my favorite NBA team.

Merry NBA season.

Derrick Rose was always going to win an NBA MVP award. But that it happened this year, at the age of just 22, is ridiculous. Dirk Nowitzki led his team to the title, but Derrick Rose was the bust-out star of 2011. Nobody pretends to be Dirk on the playground. Everybody pretends to be Derrick. Dirk has the jumper. Derrick has the drive, the stop-and-pop, the finger roll, and our favorite, the twisting-curving-winding sprint to the lane that manages to freeze defenders, not break his spine, and drop home the lay-in. The craziest part? He still feels like he has training wheels on. “Ain’t done nothin’ yet,” he says. “The best is coming.”

I haven’t always been a basketball fan, nonetheless know anything about the players, but I find Derrick Rose to be a promising player and I honestly cannot wait to see what he does with his career. Youngest player to receive MVP? Shit.

So it’s Christmas Day and I’ve been watching the NBA games on tv all day since I got up starting with the Miami vs. Dallas game.

It’s true and relevant.

A break from all the madness.

Finals madness is all over. I’m done with Operation Santa deliveries and I’m back home. My grades are out, they’re not the best, but whatever, I’m done with fall quarter. I’m nearly done pledging as well and I can hardly wait until I activate. I’m finally on break, yet I feel like there’s so much I need to do. There’s so much to reevaluate: what I want to do in terms of my major, career, and simply just my plans for the next few years. Heck, I shouldn’t even be thinking that far ahead when I still need to figure out what I want to do this summer.

More than ever before, I’m realizing how much I don’t measure up to what I want to be. For goodness sake, I’m a math major and my grades aren’t reflecting it. I just suck. My GPA is slowly falling back down after all the hard work I put in winter and spring of last year to bring it back up from screwing myself over fall quarter. I constantly find myself disappointed and I’m always wondering if my parents are just as disappointed as I am in myself. Maybe they don’t explicitly say it, but I can’t help but feel that they look at other people’s children and wonder how come I’m not as successful or how come I’m not doing as well. I can try to reason that my major is hard or that I’m at a more competitive school than those other people, but that’s hardly any reassurance even though there’s some partial truth because I’m NOT at the most competitive school out there.

I’m also having a hard time deciding what I want to do. I’ve changed my mind about my career choice so many times in college alone, that I’m utterly lost, confused, and unsure of what I want. At the moment, I’m looking into something that has to do with finance or banking. Invest banking really. But one problem: I will not be prepared for that field if I graduate where I am; no major will help me.

DO YOU SEE MY PROBLEM?

It’s break and I’m still worrying about something. The things I’d do to be a kid again…

I’ll write another post soon. I needed to vent and now I need to sleep.